this is me..

i dont know why im writing this i guess its just because im kinda losing it tonight.

im not as tough as i look. sure ive thrown around some punches or whatnot.. but im juts hiding from what i really am. i try to hide it all beneath me acting hapy and carefree. i so wish that was truley me ths is how i really feel. this is waht i really am. this is what runs threw my mind every second of the day. i just try to push it aside.. thats not working anymore....i wish i was pretty. i wish i was skinny. i wish i had even the slightest bit of self confidence. hell i wish i was someone else. i hate the way i was an accident and have reminders thrown at my face constently. i cant stand my past and how everyone brings it up. i hate that my scars will never go away and everytime i see them i wanna put a revolver to my head and call it quits. i wish i had the guts to do that. i wish people didnt care about me, so i could and i wouldnt be so afriad to hurt them. i wish i could be what everyone wants me to be. i just dont know how. i wish i could talk to someone about this, but when i try the words just dont seem come out. i wish i could trust people again. and i wish the trust in myself wasnt ripped away from me. i wish people didnt look at me and think i was physcotic. because im not. im just hurt as hell and i cant find a way to fix it. i wish i was smarter. i wish people didn't think i was a slut. i cant take the way i break down all the time. i just wish something like a simple lullaby or an "i love you" could make the pain all all go away. i miss when i was little and not having a care in the world. i can't even remember how that feels anymore. i dont know what i belive in. everything seems so far away now. nothing seems to help. i cant write anymore because nothing ever shows up on paper. i dont know how to make all this pain just go away. i hate the way i feel like someone is just laughing at my pain and how i struggle just to get out of bed in the morning. i wish i could take what i see in the mirror everyday. i feel like im in a bad written movie that should have ended from the start. why couldnt i just have ended from the start? i dont know who i am anymore. i cant take how one of the only people that keeps me sane is hundreds opf miles away. i just want to hold him again. i love him more then anyone could imagine. more then you prolly could ever love someone. i wish i could be what he deserves. i wish i could show him how much i care. i want to be able to express myself in some way but i cant. i cant find a way to do it. i wish i didnt cry so much. i wish i didnt have to take pills. i i feel like im in a room thats slowly closing in around me and theres no door out. but i wish the room would just stop tourchering me and chush my beneath its walls. but it wont. it just likes to scare me away from everyone and everything that could make me better. i just want to find what will make me better. i just want to find myself beneath all this. i hate how nothing peoplesay an makle me feel better anymore. i hate how i get lonley. i hate what makes me this way. i wish i knew what has made me this way. i wish my dad never made me so scared of him. i wish my mom believed what my dad did. i wish my parents trusted me. i wish they wanted me before i came. i wish i never was sent away and had to spill everything out. that probalbly did more bad then good. i just want to feel how i used to. how all ym friends feel. how im soposed to feel.

-me